


Lost in the In-between

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Introspection, Mild Dissociation, Mundane Alec Lightwood, magic-less magnus bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:42:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23362660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: It’s only been a few days since he lost his magic, but the change is so drastic he finds himself having difficulty accepting the new reality staring back at him.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30
Collections: Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020





	Lost in the In-between

Magnus hasn’t left the loft in days. He says he’s fine, that he’s just adjusting to this new life, taking some time to rest before he’s back to normal. He isn’t resting, though. He pretends to sleep for Alec’s sake - because Alec worries when he’s up too late or too early, or often both at the same time - but he only lays with his eyes closed, listening to a heartbeat that brings him closer to a mortal death with every pump of blood through his now-mortal body. 

Tonight is another restless night. He drinks too much for a body that no longer holds warlock tolerance levels, but even that isn’t enough to lull him into unconsciousness. He’s certain Alec’s noticed the speed at quick his liquor supply is diminishing without his ability to refill it with the snap of a finger, but if he does he’s kind enough not to bring it up. Yet, at least. 

Speaking of Alec, Magnus is careful not to wake him as he slides out of bed, bare feet moving swiftly and silently toward the bathroom. He goes to the sink to splash some water on his face when he catches sight of his reflection in the mirror and just… stops. 

It doesn’t look like him, and the longer he stares at it - at _himself_ \- the less like him he appears to his own mind. The person he sees is something Magnus-adjacent, but off. Not quite right. The longer he looks at the face the more detached he feels about it, like looking at another person entirely, a face that might just as soon smile and walk away as it would continue to stare blankly back at him. 

He doesn’t look away, though. He stares at the eyes reflected back at him, the ones that won’t flicker gold and slitted no matter how hard he wills them to. He sees the slight puff of the skin under his eyes, sunken and a shade or two darker than normal. He sees the pull of wrinkles at the sides of his eyes, the thin line of his lips pressed together, the way unstyled hair falls softly over his forehead. 

He _sees_ the face looking back at him in the mirror, but he can’t accept it as his own. It doesn’t look like him - not the version of himself he so painstakingly cultivated with eyes purposefully darkened by kohl liner and smokey shadows, every angle accented and sharp, every feature a statement. 

_That_ is Magnus Bane. 

_This?_ He doesn’t know who the face staring back at him is, but he can’t seem to reconcile it as his own. It’s too soft. Too plain. There’s too much vulnerability in every exposed flaw, no matter how minute. Everything that makes Magnus Bane _Magnus Bane_ is missing, and the person he sees now is simply what’s leftover. A shell of himself. Who is he when all he has is what’s left when all the armor is gone? 

Magnus doesn’t know how long he stares into the mirror with the water running in the sink below, but there are the first hints of daylight filtering in through the window and the water’s run cold by the time he blinks, feeling the motion with his own heavy eyelids, seeing it reflected back at him in the mirror, and coming back into himself to fully process himself and his surroundings once more. 

If he wants anyone to believe he’s actually fine - himself included - he’s going to have to start looking the part again. Screwing his eyes shut tightly and swallowing thickly, Magnus shuts the water off and goes to dig out the makeup bag from the closet.

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell)! <3 )


End file.
